hCG

Ok so on the 14th of May I am supposed to be going in for my first appointment for the hCG diet. They are going to do a work up and tell me how the diet is going to work best for me. I am so freakin worried tho that I am going to do the same crap I do on all my other diets. I start out strong and then something pops up and throws me off track. I want to be successful at this...I mean the possibilities are amazing of what I could accomplish with this.
For those of you who have not heard of this diet I will tell you. hCG is the pregnancy hormone and while on the diet you get injections of this hormone. You can do it daily at home or you can have a weekly shot done by them. Of course I am doing the weekly one cause I am not sure if I can handle shooting up myself. Anyways what they say happens is that it increases your hypothalamis(sp?) and with a very restricted diet you can loose a lot of weight. We are talking a diet consisting of about 500 calories. Yes I know what you are thinking...well if anyone ate as little as 500 calories a day they could loose that weight. I thought the same things. But I have been doing research and looking at other peoples posts/blogs about this. People who have done the shots tested out the theory of doing without the shots and said it is not as easy. You also do not loose the amount of weight. I have also done research into woman with PCOS doing this and they said it has made the weight loss easier. Cause as any woman with PCOS knows the heavier you weigh the hard it is to loose the weight!
Now please don't worry I will be going in every two weeks while on this to make sure I am loosing fat and not muscle. Plus you can only be on this for 4-6 weeks at a time. You body over time builds an immunity to this and needs a 6 week break to allow it to work again.
My husband and I have decided that we are going to do this till I weight 180lbs. We figure if I can get down to that then I can do the last 35 lbs on my own. Plus we will start trying again for a baby at that weight! If after 6 months of trying on our own and a doctor saying I still don't ovulate then I will get on Clomid(ovulation inducing drug). Then if we do that for 6-8 months with no luck we will then do the Foster to Adopt that we have looked into. We figure if we try for a year with no luck then maybe that is God telling us that kids of our own blood is not what we were meant to have in our family. Which is fine.
Plus all this time that I will need to loose the weight and trying to have a baby will give us plenty of time to be where we need to be. Like a strong marriage, family and of course a second car. One that will hold all the kids!
Cause if we do the foster to adopt we will probably do the options of siblings. It gives a greater chance of getting and infant. Plus Bill will probably be about 6 or 7 at this time and having kids that far apart would be hard. So if we got an infant and then a older sibling Bill would have someone closer to his age to play with.
But of course all this is in God's hands and that is where is must stay! But please wish me luck and encouragement is greatly appreciated!

Can only go up...right?!?!

I sit here outside on the back porch watching my amazing,wonderful son run around. Knowing that he is the one man right now that loves me no matter what. Even when I have a bad day or snap at him he just forgives and loves me. I know that with time this will happen less and less. But he will always love me. He is my life and my love and my air. When I think about loosing him it feels like the air has been knocked out of me and my lungs have forgotten how to work. It is hard for me to feel this way...I feel it is to much for a mother to feel this way about her son. I feel it puts to much on me.
But today I was reminded why his love makes me feel so fragile. Growing up almost every man in my life has shown to me and proven time and time again that I wasn't important enough to fight for or to forgive. Yet what is the one sex I continually go to to find that feeling? Yes you have it right if you say men.
Is it so wrong to want to be needed by your father...to have him look past himself for 5 seconds and just freakin love me? Is it wrong to expect some attention from with out being called a whiny brat for it? No I don't think it is to much to ask or to want. We are built for human contact, human connections with people. Especially our parents.
So when your father abandons you who do you look to? Well of course the next best thing...your big bro! I know, I know...that is a lot to put on someone. We all do it tho! He has his own issuses and problems but I just wanted to feel important to him. Protected...a little girl wants that...this 25 year old woman wants that!
But they both have all but abandoned me...emotionally, physically and in pretty much every way possible.
Yes occasionally my dad does a small thing for me. It is all he can do for me I guess...he has his problems too.
The thing is tho that I have another brother. I never expected to be protected or overly loved by him. He is my baby brother and I just want to protect and love him. I feel like I have failed and I know we don't have a good relationship. I know he won't come to me for advice or help. Well maybe as a last resort. And this all hurts. This is not how I expected to have adult relationships with the men in my family...let alone the lack of relationship that my son has with the men in my family!
Seek counseling is what you all are thinking...right?!?! I know...not an easy thing to find or put together. It is scary for me to bare it all and have to fix it. I have lived with these feelings and this life for so long that the thought of changing is scary! But I know I need to do it because my son needs me mentally healthy and together. He may be our only child and I don't want to loose the love and bond we have. I know it will change over time but I look forward to that. I just want to be capable of handling it.

Emotional Awarness

So I have been watching Biggest Loser for years and you always watch the contestants break down while working out. They call it a break through and that they are starting to see why they are the way they are. Well I have been, of late, been more aware of my emotions. I have been able to stop and realize when I am mad or lashing out for other reasons. But like normal I avoid my fat related issues. Like why I start diets and fail. It isn't that I don't want to loose the weight or don't have the motivation. It is more that I have such low feelings of self worth that I don't put in an effort cause I know people expect me to fail cause that is what I do. I have to change that mind set to change the way I diet.
I watch shows and see girlfriends, wifes, etc stand up to their other halfs. They tell them things that if I did that to someone I would freak that they would hate me, leave me...etc! I am constantly worried people don't like me or dislike me for something. I worry that people will leave me. Being married has helped me realize these feelings and the patterns I start to keep people at a distance. I do it with family, friends, etc. and it doesn't matter if I have known you for 5 minute or 5 years. Realtionships scare me.
I think being over weight is has become a way to keep people and feelings at a distance. I normally eat to deal with things or to work off frustration or even to beat myself up.
So the answer? Work on me...work on loving me and being more confident. Not easy! But I have a short period of time to do as much work as I can. Why you ask? Because I am going to be starting the HCG protocol on May 14th. I want when I am off the injections for 6 weeks to not put weight back on. To stay where I am or loose a little extra! But I am not going to fail this time and this time I am serious.
My husband has helped me so much realize things about myself and to be supportive. Being truely loved by someone makes you face things you don't have to. Especially with someone who won't leave even when you do the STUPIDIST things! It is an amazing and scary things! But I love it and I love him!