Change in mindset

Recently I have come to a realization...part to my own awareness and part to others. But I have come to see that I am a complainer...I complain about my husband and my marriage more then anything else. That doesn't make for pleasant conversation. But I think my complaining goes higher then what I am complaining about but more to the fact that I am not happy. It is true...I am so angry so much that I don't even know how to handle situations anymore but to blow up! I am not going to say that situations don't arise that I am able to control my anger. But I just don't like what I have become.
Like I have said before anger is a secondary emotion. So if someone is acting out of anger then there is something else going on. Well that is true in my case...I am a very scared, hurt and unhappy person. And I have heard the you can choose to be happy...you can choose to look at only the good in your life. I believe that to a point! The thing is sometimes I think the things that make you angry stare you in the face a lot and it makes it harder to ignore them. Tho who said life was easy?
So I have decided to quit complain so often...to if the only thing I can say is going to be a complain to either keep quite or look for a positive somewhere...if not in my life then in someone elses! And I think it will help that I am starting counseling tomorrow...separate from the marriage counseling we are doing. I have things going on inside of me that need to be worked on if I want any hope of fixing this marriage! So wish me luck on my first session! I am a little nervous. I tend to just glaze over things and make things sound fine because I don't want to deal with it all. But I need to stop hiding from it and face it. My bestie has been helping to get to this point! She keeps telling me to get better in the head so I can get my life in order! She can be so supportive...even when she doesn't agree with my life choices she is there! Love her!
So I will be keeping you all up to date on my counseling and what I am learning and work towards! It will be a difficult thing to work through but I will be the better for it. Plus I will be better for my marriage, my husband and my son!

Swim Lessons

My little man is starting his swim lessons today. Sadly because of my single track mind I will not be able to go. I am taking my mom to the airport...promised almost a month ago. But such is life! So my wonderful mother in law is taking him. I am sad I will miss the first one but I will get to go to the rest of them. Plus Bill is so totally excited that he getting to going to the pool and that he gets to wear his new swim trunks and go swiming. Even tho he keeps telling me "Mom, I don't know how to swim!" So I tell him back "That is why you are going to swim lessons"
He is my little water baby tho and I know he will take to this quickly. Plus I am hoping that he keeps up the love of swimming because it is an awesome exercise. I want learn to be active when he is young so that is something he enjoys and incorpartes into his teen and adult life. I don't want him to live the life of being overweight! Or develop the health issues my family has and since I don't know what Nate's families health issues are it is better to be safe!

I KNOW!!!!!!!

I know that there are times that I am a downer...sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my life and things going on it that that is all I can talk about. But it seems like people get mad at me instead of encouraging me to be diffrent. If you don't like me talking negatively around you then say it. Or give me some encouraging words.
I don't think I have this HORRIBLE life and that everyone elses is easier. I know everyones life comes with heartache and struggles. I don't think my life would be easy or better if certain people weren't in it anymore. I know that I am in control of my happiness. But there are times that people are so overwhelmed by trying to fix things and failing and by living with something is draining on them.
I have a great home to live in, food to eat, people who love and and some AWESOME friends. But sometimes when you have been beaten down and are at your lowest it is hard to live in the good. It is hard to always focus on the light in your life.
Sin is easy, anger is easy...that is how Satan gets us. By showing us the easy part of life...the bad part of life. Gaining weight is easy for people...but loosing it is not! Letting your kid do whatever they want when they want is easy...disciplining them is not! So yes I am aware of what is easy and what is hard. But the hard will wear you down and you want to give up, run away and that, THAT is the time when you need the love and support of those around! Not negative words or people telling you that you enjoy living in the misery. Because I don't enjoy living in my misery I want to be happy even in the bad times. But that is a hard thing to learn to do. No one is amazing at it. I have found few people who can praise God and always find good in the bad. And people like that annoy me just because it is a foreign thought to me to live all the time looking and focusing on the good.
No I am not always happy or positive...yes it is easier for me to live in negatives. My life is not easy nor do I always have the support I feel I need! A lot of the times I feel alone and tired and worn out! The last three years of this marriage has been really hard. I have worked towards making it better and love my marriage when it is great. But when it gets hard and stays hard I have a hard time focusing on the good times we have had to get us through the bad. I am so scared of life and living and failing and succeeding...I don't know what it is like to succeed and that scares me...but I don't like failing.
Everything we do, say, think is all a choice and a desire. We can choose to be happy yes...but getting there is not easy and not everyone knows how to do it. Sometimes happy seems to so hard and so far away. Because Satan will come in and mess it up...and we can choose to allow him to mess us up or run over him and tell him "Get away I am going to be happy"
I pray for strength and understanding to be able to do that! I want to be happy...I want to teach my son to be happy no matter what he faces.

Not sure about counseling

So we had another counseling session this morning and well...I am just not sure how it is going. I feel like we haven't done much for 2 sessions other then my husband holding back info and then this morning I felt like he just threw me under the bus. I can't read the counselor either. So I am not sure what he is thinking really. He said that he wants to see us seperatly. So next week Jim will go by himself and I will go by myself the following week. So maybe the 5th session will show more than it has. I know two weeks is not a lot of time to see results but still. I feel like we are going no where. And the length of these session I feel that they are to keep you coming back and back because you don't get much handled. Plus you pay these OUTRAGEOUS amounts of money.
I think at the end of the 6th session if I don't see us working on something or see something working on changing in our relationship then I am not sure I will go back to these people. I am not going to waste time and money if it isn't going to do anyone any good. I would rather find someone else...but right now all it seems like is that he is so focused in on Jim. He has asked him all these questions and doesn't ask me much. The only really personal thing he has asked is how my relationship is with my family but didn't ask why or anything like that. Asked if I wanted to stay married to Jim too.
I am not nervous or anything about sitting down with him by myself so we will see. I just wish I could know if this round of counseling will work. I am tired of rehashing everything to go no were and so nothing really changes.
I was reading today that marriage should be the safe place where you can grow and change. A place to be supported and love...no wonder you are told not to go into marriage lightly or not be totally sure about someone. Cause if you marry the wrong person you have a LOT of work, heartache and pain in your future! I kick myself for not listening to my gut and all my friends and family. But can't change what has happened...I can only change what I can now!
What I need to work on right now is to grow a better relationship with God. Cause he is the only one that give me the stregth I need to do the right thing and to have the right attitude through this whole thing.
Please pray for us!

Counseling and hCG

Ok so we had our first counseling session yesterday. I was so nervous...you would have thought that I was going to have to get nakes. But I guess in a way you are naked. You are exposing parts of yourself that most people may never see. I didn't talk to much about myself but the things I did say were enough for him to figure something out about me that I wasn't being honest about myself with. He said that I tend to suclude myself from people. I never really saw myself as someone who did that. But when I told my mom she said that everyone knew that. She said that whenever someone(even my family) gets to close I push them away. And that is true. I am always so worried about being hurt and hurting others that keeping everyone at a certain distance makes it easier. Now on that note do I also sabotage myself to be a disappointment to other so they stay away? I mean how much of my behavior and actions have been because of wanting to keep others at a distance?
We are scheduled to go back next week for more counseling. I am interested to see what he is going to have us do. He mentioned something about a love map and getting us to a point that we aren't at such far ends of relationship spectrums. That Jim can learn to give me the space I need and that I can let my guard down enough to give Jim the intamcy he needs. I hope this works...I know marriage(like most things)isn't easy but I would like an easier marriage! Plus I would like a calmer house for Bill and a better example of what marriage is for him! Cause right now what is going on in our home is not good for anyone. It is toxic and just bringing out the worst in us all. I see how it is effecting Bill and everytime I see it it hurts and I am ashamed of myself!
So now to change topics...something I totally rock at lol
My hCG appointment is next Friday! Hmmmmm...I am a little weirded out about the drastic diet change I will be going on but at the same time I am excited about the weight loss. I know that eatting will be diffrent from now on. While I am taking the shots I can only eat so much a meal. So I think our eatting out bill will go down a lot and my waistline! I will definatly be on here more once I am on the shots. There will be hunger pains to talk about and distractions needed. Plus I think I will have a break through mentally with having to change so much! Might even figure out how to put a before pic up from my first day on. Then every two weeks put an updated pic up with how much weight I am down!
So please pray for me and pray for my family! We will need it!

hCG

Ok so on the 14th of May I am supposed to be going in for my first appointment for the hCG diet. They are going to do a work up and tell me how the diet is going to work best for me. I am so freakin worried tho that I am going to do the same crap I do on all my other diets. I start out strong and then something pops up and throws me off track. I want to be successful at this...I mean the possibilities are amazing of what I could accomplish with this.
For those of you who have not heard of this diet I will tell you. hCG is the pregnancy hormone and while on the diet you get injections of this hormone. You can do it daily at home or you can have a weekly shot done by them. Of course I am doing the weekly one cause I am not sure if I can handle shooting up myself. Anyways what they say happens is that it increases your hypothalamis(sp?) and with a very restricted diet you can loose a lot of weight. We are talking a diet consisting of about 500 calories. Yes I know what you are thinking...well if anyone ate as little as 500 calories a day they could loose that weight. I thought the same things. But I have been doing research and looking at other peoples posts/blogs about this. People who have done the shots tested out the theory of doing without the shots and said it is not as easy. You also do not loose the amount of weight. I have also done research into woman with PCOS doing this and they said it has made the weight loss easier. Cause as any woman with PCOS knows the heavier you weigh the hard it is to loose the weight!
Now please don't worry I will be going in every two weeks while on this to make sure I am loosing fat and not muscle. Plus you can only be on this for 4-6 weeks at a time. You body over time builds an immunity to this and needs a 6 week break to allow it to work again.
My husband and I have decided that we are going to do this till I weight 180lbs. We figure if I can get down to that then I can do the last 35 lbs on my own. Plus we will start trying again for a baby at that weight! If after 6 months of trying on our own and a doctor saying I still don't ovulate then I will get on Clomid(ovulation inducing drug). Then if we do that for 6-8 months with no luck we will then do the Foster to Adopt that we have looked into. We figure if we try for a year with no luck then maybe that is God telling us that kids of our own blood is not what we were meant to have in our family. Which is fine.
Plus all this time that I will need to loose the weight and trying to have a baby will give us plenty of time to be where we need to be. Like a strong marriage, family and of course a second car. One that will hold all the kids!
Cause if we do the foster to adopt we will probably do the options of siblings. It gives a greater chance of getting and infant. Plus Bill will probably be about 6 or 7 at this time and having kids that far apart would be hard. So if we got an infant and then a older sibling Bill would have someone closer to his age to play with.
But of course all this is in God's hands and that is where is must stay! But please wish me luck and encouragement is greatly appreciated!

Can only go up...right?!?!

I sit here outside on the back porch watching my amazing,wonderful son run around. Knowing that he is the one man right now that loves me no matter what. Even when I have a bad day or snap at him he just forgives and loves me. I know that with time this will happen less and less. But he will always love me. He is my life and my love and my air. When I think about loosing him it feels like the air has been knocked out of me and my lungs have forgotten how to work. It is hard for me to feel this way...I feel it is to much for a mother to feel this way about her son. I feel it puts to much on me.
But today I was reminded why his love makes me feel so fragile. Growing up almost every man in my life has shown to me and proven time and time again that I wasn't important enough to fight for or to forgive. Yet what is the one sex I continually go to to find that feeling? Yes you have it right if you say men.
Is it so wrong to want to be needed by your father...to have him look past himself for 5 seconds and just freakin love me? Is it wrong to expect some attention from with out being called a whiny brat for it? No I don't think it is to much to ask or to want. We are built for human contact, human connections with people. Especially our parents.
So when your father abandons you who do you look to? Well of course the next best thing...your big bro! I know, I know...that is a lot to put on someone. We all do it tho! He has his own issuses and problems but I just wanted to feel important to him. Protected...a little girl wants that...this 25 year old woman wants that!
But they both have all but abandoned me...emotionally, physically and in pretty much every way possible.
Yes occasionally my dad does a small thing for me. It is all he can do for me I guess...he has his problems too.
The thing is tho that I have another brother. I never expected to be protected or overly loved by him. He is my baby brother and I just want to protect and love him. I feel like I have failed and I know we don't have a good relationship. I know he won't come to me for advice or help. Well maybe as a last resort. And this all hurts. This is not how I expected to have adult relationships with the men in my family...let alone the lack of relationship that my son has with the men in my family!
Seek counseling is what you all are thinking...right?!?! I know...not an easy thing to find or put together. It is scary for me to bare it all and have to fix it. I have lived with these feelings and this life for so long that the thought of changing is scary! But I know I need to do it because my son needs me mentally healthy and together. He may be our only child and I don't want to loose the love and bond we have. I know it will change over time but I look forward to that. I just want to be capable of handling it.