Emotional

Well Monday morning around 4:30 am I was dreaming about Grey's Anatomy and Meredith kept feeling nauseas...but the odd thing was that I was feeling it too! So I woke and laid in bed for a while wondering I wanted to just make myself do it to feel better or wait and see if it settled out! Well I decided the nausea wasn't going to get better so I made myself...it helped for alittle. But when her husband wakes up literally as you come out of the bathroom and crawl back in bed to go and do the dirty deed too...well the nauseas gets a well everyone else is doing so lets go again. This continued all morning with a few little naps in the middle. And to not go into to much detail...it got worse!
Eventually everything subsided and I was able to nibble a bananas, applesauce and eventually my body decided to keep everything I put in it! But now I am still dealing with the sore muscles and a slightly uneasy tummy!
I bet your thinking...well that isn't really anything emotional or emotion related. And it isn't but just wanted you to know that this is how my Monday was. Cause Sunday we the start of the emotional trip I am on.
We went to Sunday services and my friends parents are foster parents. Well they have a little tiny in the care. And I thought I could seriously handle holding him. I did fine with him in my arms. Nature kicked in, instinct and all that jazz. I wanted to hand him to my husband but the thought of my husband holding a baby so new, so tiny, a baby that...well it was to hard. So I never offered. It wasn't till after I had to give him back that it was hard. I want a baby so much. It hurts and I am angry! And I realized that I am angry a lot and anger is a secondary emotion. So I started thinking why am I angry with my son a lot, my husband, other people? It all started to settle in...all the whys, the hows, the oh mys.
With Bill I feel like I am letting him down. Like I am a bad mom...not motivated enough to do all I can for him. To lazy to be a good mom, to fat to play, to tired to want to do anything, to stupid to marry right so that he wouldn't have to deal with people who mostly get along. Don't get me wrong I love my husband but it is not an ideal marriage. I feel bad because he has a biodad that is to selfish and lame to be a part of his life.
I am angry with my husband because I know we shouldn't be married, cause he doesn't support me or love me in ways I need it! I am angry about our wedding, I am angry that I have felt the need to find other things in other men...that he has lead me in that direction. I know that in the end I make the final decisions and that is my fault doing anything I have done but I am angry he can't give me what I need. Angry with myself for marrying for the reasons I did and not listening to my gut and all the red flags!
I am angry at other people for having what I want, what I feel I deserve and I am so freakin ANGRY at myself! Angry I can't seem to take control of my life, my weight, my emotions...Angry that I am not a better mom, wife, daughter, sister. Angry at myself for being angry.
I let what others have done to me, kept from me turn me into this person that I don't like half the time. I miss being happy, being carefree, being fun! I am tired that my dad not visiting or keeping in touch with my son hurts me...that I let it hurt me. That I can't cut ties with him to make me healthier. I am angry that my sister-law came in between me and my brother...that I can't see my nephew that I looked forward to meeting while she was with me. I angry that I feel alone in caring for my mom...that my sisters seem so wrapped up in their lives, their families to help to live closer to her. I love my mom and would never feel right leaving her! I don't feel she is burden but that is an honor and a great privilege to care for her the older she gets.
Maybe I don't have the right to be angry about all the things that I am but I am! I am just tired of feeling worthless and unworthy. And I know I won't find that in someone else until you can find it in yourself. But it doesn't help to have someone there helping you find it in you...someone who believes in you!
So much venting and yet none it makes me feel any better. I want to be back to the days I was happy...I can handle stress when I am happy but stress when I am unhappy? God is the only answer and I can never seem to be smart enough to make him a priority enough! Everything else is a priority...stupid shows that will end in time, people, places, money...just tired of it all. I just want to be happy again!