I thought I was finally ok with not having more kids or having to wait longer. I trusted God had a plan for us. But then a little baby showed up and the last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Self doubt, pity, blame, anger, etc. Have literally started back at the beginning with this.
I have started to think the reason I have PCOS is because I am a bad parent. I feel like I can barely handle the one I have, the life I have. Then I start to wonder if Bill would have been better off being placed with different parents. All the things I want him to have in life I can't even be an example of. I am the opposite of what I want for me. But I can't find the drive, desire to change. I just feel sometimes like I am not the best for him.
I know this sounds like self pity and it is but it is how I feel at times. I am upset that I can't find it in me to eat right, excersice regularly and just stop doing all the stuff that I don't like about myself. Flat out I am lazy...have been all my life.
I know the answer is to just do it...change. But I seem to thrive on failing...I make myself fail. I guess the way I see it is that if I don't succeed people won't expect things from me and if they don't then I don't have to responsible.
I feel pathetic complaining about this. And not having the guts to change it.
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