Emotional Awarness

So I have been watching Biggest Loser for years and you always watch the contestants break down while working out. They call it a break through and that they are starting to see why they are the way they are. Well I have been, of late, been more aware of my emotions. I have been able to stop and realize when I am mad or lashing out for other reasons. But like normal I avoid my fat related issues. Like why I start diets and fail. It isn't that I don't want to loose the weight or don't have the motivation. It is more that I have such low feelings of self worth that I don't put in an effort cause I know people expect me to fail cause that is what I do. I have to change that mind set to change the way I diet.
I watch shows and see girlfriends, wifes, etc stand up to their other halfs. They tell them things that if I did that to someone I would freak that they would hate me, leave me...etc! I am constantly worried people don't like me or dislike me for something. I worry that people will leave me. Being married has helped me realize these feelings and the patterns I start to keep people at a distance. I do it with family, friends, etc. and it doesn't matter if I have known you for 5 minute or 5 years. Realtionships scare me.
I think being over weight is has become a way to keep people and feelings at a distance. I normally eat to deal with things or to work off frustration or even to beat myself up.
So the answer? Work on me...work on loving me and being more confident. Not easy! But I have a short period of time to do as much work as I can. Why you ask? Because I am going to be starting the HCG protocol on May 14th. I want when I am off the injections for 6 weeks to not put weight back on. To stay where I am or loose a little extra! But I am not going to fail this time and this time I am serious.
My husband has helped me so much realize things about myself and to be supportive. Being truely loved by someone makes you face things you don't have to. Especially with someone who won't leave even when you do the STUPIDIST things! It is an amazing and scary things! But I love it and I love him!

Finally coming to the end of a ride

Well the last two weeks have been emotional and filled with feelings I would rather not feel. But feeling them has given me a renewed prospective on things. I keep sitting here not taking responsibility for the things I can change and the way my life is. I know there are things I can't change...I can't change the fact that I have PCOS. BUT I can change how I let it effect me. I can't change the fact that to "cure" PCOS that I have to eat diffrent but I can change my attitude towards it.
You always here theses self help people talk about thinking positive and even in the Bible says to "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. 3 For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God" (Col. 3:2-3). So dwelling on things that effect me here is not a good thing. I am not going to die and be held accountable as to weither I had more kids but how I raised the one I was blessed with. God is not going to judge me on what diet or how often I worked out but how I took care of the body he gave me!
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ESV / 48 helpful votes
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
Sometimes sadness breeds good and pure thoughts! Sometimes realizing what we don't have helps better understand and love what we do! God has blessed me with a body and my body does have a difficult condition. But it is still a blessing to have and what I choose to do with my body and how healthy I choose to make my body is what I have to answer for.
There will always be things out of my control and out of reach. But there is always an oppurtunity to seek God and do His will. Even if being strong through rough times is and example to someone else of God's love then that is what I will do.

I thought I was finally ok with not having more kids or having to wait longer. I trusted God had a plan for us. But then a little baby showed up and the last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Self doubt, pity, blame, anger, etc. Have literally started back at the beginning with this.
I have started to think the reason I have PCOS is because I am a bad parent. I feel like I can barely handle the one I have, the life I have. Then I start to wonder if Bill would have been better off being placed with different parents. All the things I want him to have in life I can't even be an example of. I am the opposite of what I want for me. But I can't find the drive, desire to change. I just feel sometimes like I am not the best for him.
I know this sounds like self pity and it is but it is how I feel at times. I am upset that I can't find it in me to eat right, excersice regularly and just stop doing all the stuff that I don't like about myself. Flat out I am lazy...have been all my life.
I know the answer is to just do it...change. But I seem to thrive on failing...I make myself fail. I guess the way I see it is that if I don't succeed people won't expect things from me and if they don't then I don't have to responsible.
I feel pathetic complaining about this. And not having the guts to change it.
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Emotional

Well Monday morning around 4:30 am I was dreaming about Grey's Anatomy and Meredith kept feeling nauseas...but the odd thing was that I was feeling it too! So I woke and laid in bed for a while wondering I wanted to just make myself do it to feel better or wait and see if it settled out! Well I decided the nausea wasn't going to get better so I made myself...it helped for alittle. But when her husband wakes up literally as you come out of the bathroom and crawl back in bed to go and do the dirty deed too...well the nauseas gets a well everyone else is doing so lets go again. This continued all morning with a few little naps in the middle. And to not go into to much detail...it got worse!
Eventually everything subsided and I was able to nibble a bananas, applesauce and eventually my body decided to keep everything I put in it! But now I am still dealing with the sore muscles and a slightly uneasy tummy!
I bet your thinking...well that isn't really anything emotional or emotion related. And it isn't but just wanted you to know that this is how my Monday was. Cause Sunday we the start of the emotional trip I am on.
We went to Sunday services and my friends parents are foster parents. Well they have a little tiny in the care. And I thought I could seriously handle holding him. I did fine with him in my arms. Nature kicked in, instinct and all that jazz. I wanted to hand him to my husband but the thought of my husband holding a baby so new, so tiny, a baby that...well it was to hard. So I never offered. It wasn't till after I had to give him back that it was hard. I want a baby so much. It hurts and I am angry! And I realized that I am angry a lot and anger is a secondary emotion. So I started thinking why am I angry with my son a lot, my husband, other people? It all started to settle in...all the whys, the hows, the oh mys.
With Bill I feel like I am letting him down. Like I am a bad mom...not motivated enough to do all I can for him. To lazy to be a good mom, to fat to play, to tired to want to do anything, to stupid to marry right so that he wouldn't have to deal with people who mostly get along. Don't get me wrong I love my husband but it is not an ideal marriage. I feel bad because he has a biodad that is to selfish and lame to be a part of his life.
I am angry with my husband because I know we shouldn't be married, cause he doesn't support me or love me in ways I need it! I am angry about our wedding, I am angry that I have felt the need to find other things in other men...that he has lead me in that direction. I know that in the end I make the final decisions and that is my fault doing anything I have done but I am angry he can't give me what I need. Angry with myself for marrying for the reasons I did and not listening to my gut and all the red flags!
I am angry at other people for having what I want, what I feel I deserve and I am so freakin ANGRY at myself! Angry I can't seem to take control of my life, my weight, my emotions...Angry that I am not a better mom, wife, daughter, sister. Angry at myself for being angry.
I let what others have done to me, kept from me turn me into this person that I don't like half the time. I miss being happy, being carefree, being fun! I am tired that my dad not visiting or keeping in touch with my son hurts me...that I let it hurt me. That I can't cut ties with him to make me healthier. I am angry that my sister-law came in between me and my brother...that I can't see my nephew that I looked forward to meeting while she was with me. I angry that I feel alone in caring for my mom...that my sisters seem so wrapped up in their lives, their families to help to live closer to her. I love my mom and would never feel right leaving her! I don't feel she is burden but that is an honor and a great privilege to care for her the older she gets.
Maybe I don't have the right to be angry about all the things that I am but I am! I am just tired of feeling worthless and unworthy. And I know I won't find that in someone else until you can find it in yourself. But it doesn't help to have someone there helping you find it in you...someone who believes in you!
So much venting and yet none it makes me feel any better. I want to be back to the days I was happy...I can handle stress when I am happy but stress when I am unhappy? God is the only answer and I can never seem to be smart enough to make him a priority enough! Everything else is a priority...stupid shows that will end in time, people, places, money...just tired of it all. I just want to be happy again!

First Week

Ok...so first week hmmmm....where to start? I did awesome the first two days...said no the cravings and rocked it! But then I slipped into a gnarly depression and started my period(hard times in my months). I wanted to eat and eat everything. Well my friends husband celebrated a birthday and of course I was like I will have a tiny piece and just show my love. Well yeah that was just the first of the going against the rules. I then the following day had fast food...granted it was a salad but I had a coke! Then my husband got in a fight and of course the depression got worse and my determination well....pretty much just disappeared! So now it is Saturday and my sister is having a bday party for my nephew and well they always have good food and lots of it! So I am eating and I will eat...but I need to get this bad boy under control! So Monday I will get my butt in gear.
I do plan to start hitting the gym at our apartment complex when my husband gets home from work. That will help keep the depression at bay and keep my motivation up! Plus I picked up this new supplement and it is like the natural version of Metformin! Which I never liked taking cause I always felt weird on it and the first like couple weeks of it were the worst. Plus I don't like taking Rx. So I am hoping this works...it says it should be a week or so before I feel a difference. So we will see!
Oh, get this! I have a digital scale and like an old school one...the digital one said I was 294 and then the next day I found my old school one and it said 278. So I am going with my old school since it seems like it should be more reliable.
Well sorry if you were hoping for awesome results from this week but this is my life in loosing weight...all the good, all the bad...all the temptations!
So till next week!

My life with PCOS

First let's cover what PCOS stands for and what it is for you that don't know. PCOS stands for Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It is a condition in some ways like diabetes in as far as it involves insulin levels. And as much as you would think that the ovaries cause the issues by the name of the condition they are merely a side effect. PCOS effects almost every aspect of ones life...menstrual cycle, fertility, mood, weight, energy levels, weight loss, appearance, etc. There are many woman out there that don't know that they have it. I think it is sad that they are dealing with the struggles the rest of us are but don't know why it is happening.
I found out that I had PCOS when I was about 16 years old. I was put on BC(birth control) because it was supposed to help. Not really! I stopped taking the BC because it didn't do anything. Along with finding out that I had PCOS I was told having a kid was going to near to impossible. So the way I saw it I was a walking birth control pill. No need for condoms or RX for birth control...my body was doing it on its own(I know STUPID). Well for years I didn't have problems with getting pregnant...then right before my 21st birthday I met a guy and one thing lead to another and the following month I found out I was pregnant! A little shocked and worried the whole time that I wasn't going to carry full term or my son would die. But I carried him for a 41 weeks and spent 9 hours in labor and 30 min of pushing. And there he was my beautiful, never supposed to happen, one in a million shot baby! And oh do I love him! Don't get me wrong he drives me up the walls sometimes but the love is always there.
I did have a completely uneventful pregnancy as well...no diabetes during pregnancy, no nothing...but during my last trimester I packed on the pounds from stupid eating! BOY do I regret that now! I put on a total of 40lbs being pregnant with my little man. So when all was said and done I went from 210lbs to 250lbs. I was dealing with the extra weight and since I was a single mom and working full time I didn't focus to much on loosing it. I wasn't adding any extra pounds past what I had. Well the November of the year I had my little man I met my husband! We were married by the following March and I moved far from my family and friends and everything I had known and loved! I also became unbelievable sedentary! And we ate out a lot...A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So from 250lbs I slowly(quickly) in a couple months packed on another 30-40lbs! I was now a HUGE person! I am only 5ft 3in...almost 300lbs is a lot on my frame! I have dieted since I have been married and lost weight...but it always comes back due to lack of commitment on my end. But before condemning me for putting back on you have to realize that loosing weight with PCOS is hard and sometimes it doesn't show up on the scale but only in inches on a measuring tape. Not always easy to see your weight the same after working so hard! I have done the hour in the gym 6 days a week and watching calories! And 6lbs was all I lost over a period of 6 weeks! So it has been hard!
Dieting is also not easy! I mean every book I read on how to eat when you have PCOS takes away so many foods and so I want to eat and eat everything there is...it doesn't matter if I am hungry or not I want to eat. I eat to make myself feel better...I order extra food so people think it is for someone else as well...I order food and eat it before I get home to feed my family and myself...I eat two dinners because what someone else suggest sounds better. I am seriously unhealthy! But here is the kicker...my son, OH BOY, I am strict with his food. He gets junk food occasionally but he mostly eats healthy. He loves fruits and veggies and is not much of a meat eater! I didn't want him being overweight!
So here I am at 25, married and a mother(wanting more) and weighing 296lbs! Please don't cry don't gasp! It is a weight! I don't care so much about the weight as being healthy! Yes I would love to see the scale say 200lbs or even 154lbs but if I can be healthy at 200lbs then I will be happy there! I want to have the energy to play with my son and to live long enough to be a big part of his life and his kids life. I don't want to be a picture on the wall or a memory that he tells to his kids!
So today my wonderful hubbers(Jim) and I started a 30 day challenge. I need support and he needs to loose weight. So for 30 days(minus our anniversary and son's bday) there is NO sugar, NO soda(sparkling waters are ok), NO fast food, 30 minutes minimum of physical activity and there is one more but I can't not for the life of me remember what it is! So in 30 days I will be thinner...maybe not pounds but inches. Sometimes with PCOS inches are the first to go and it is a long time till the pounds catch up and start shedding! So I will post more when week one is done of the 4 weeks!